Cafe Break Stories

Two Priests

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane had landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father, good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.


They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, the two priests settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking towards them.


Again, she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady."


"Yes?" she asked.


"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"


"Father, it's me, Sister Angela."


Death Wish


A woman was walking through the woods when she came across a rusty old lamp.

The woman, being so curious, immediately picked it up and rubbed it.


Then suddenly a genie appeared saying he would grant the lady three wishes. The catch was, for every wish, her husband would get the same 10 times over.

The woman said, "For my first wish, I want to be the most beautiful woman in the world." The genie warned her, "Your husband will be the most handsome man in the world and women will flock to him." The woman replied, "That's okay, I trust my husband." So, poof!-she became the most beautiful woman in the world.


After that, the woman said, "For my second wish, I want to be the richest woman in the world." The genie said, "That will make your husband 10 times richer than you." "That's okay, we will share our money," said the woman. Poof!-she became the richest woman in the world.


The genie then inquired about her last wish. The woman said, "Hmm… I'd like a mild heart attack."



Golfing Spirit

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by our faiths."


The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.


"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is devout a Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."


Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Mr. Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness." "Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus." said the Pope.


"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous." "There's bad news?" the Pope asked.


"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."



Jumping Up

A young man signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed practice jumps from high structures, and finally took his first jump from the airplane. The next day, he called his father to tell him the news. "So did you jump?", the father asked.


"Well, when the sergeant opened the door and asked for volunteers, about a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"


"Is that when you jumped?"


"Not yet. The sergeant started to grab the other men and throw them out of the door."


"Did you jump then?", asked the father.


"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the only one left. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to jump or he'd kick my ass."


"So did you jump?"


"Not then. He tried to push me out, but I held onto the door. Finally he called the jump master, who's about six-foot five and 250 pounds. The guy took his penis out and it was about 10 inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass."

"So did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, a little.... at first."



Lenten Sacrifice

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.


This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.


They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."


The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighbor-hood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes.


The neighbor-hood men could not believe their noses! They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."



No Dwarf Nuns Anywhere

The Seven Dwarfs went to the Vatican, and got ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey led the pack.


"Dopey, my son," said the Pope, "what can I do for you?"


Dopey asked, "Excuse me, Your Eminence, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"


The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."


In the background the dwarfs started giggling.


Dopey turned around and gave them a fiery stare, silencing them.


Dopey turned back to the Pope. "Your Holiness, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"


The Pope, puzzled again, answered, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."


This time, all the dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Dopey turned around and silenced them all with an angry stare.


Dopey turned back to the Pope and said, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"


The Pope answered, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


The other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing, tears running down their cheeks as they began chanting: "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"



Perfect Marriage


Three guys die and end up at the gates of heaven, talking to Saint Peter.


"So," Peter asks the first guy, "how many times did you cheat on your wife?"


"None. I had a perfect marriage."


"Great," says Peter. "You get to cruise around heaven in a Viper."


"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"


"Only twice, I think," says the second guy.


"Okay. You get to cruise around heaven in a Cadillac."


"And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?"


"Twelve times. Maybe 13," says the third guy.


"Okay," says Peter. "You get a rusty Ford."


Later that day, the guy in the Cadillac sees the guy in the Viper crying. "What's wrong?"


"I just saw my wife."


"And?"


"She was riding a skateboard."


The Morning After


An American and an Italian were seated next to a Filipino on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the American bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious pancakes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."


When the Filipino remained silent, the American smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"


"Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted.

"And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."


Touché!


A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.


Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boy!"


One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.


They reply: "Well, that's the size we imagine your penis to be. Just kidding!"


The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops and drops his schoolbooks on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says, "Hi there, ladies!"



Word Power


"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."


"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.


"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done," replies Steve.


"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"


"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind--either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."


"Well, OK," says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"


 So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading toward him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.


"Hi there," says Steve, "looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," says the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stares at him in horror and screams, "Shit! THAT'S the word!"