Stages, essence and other insights about life

Change. There's nothing constant in this world except change. Some changes are unavoidable, while others are expected. But at the end of the day, we always hope that the end result of this changes will be the best for us.

As for me, a surprising and promising change has happened. Although I'm still at the period wherein I'm still weighing things and finding my right footing, I can say that it is indeed a worthwhile experience. That is mainly the reason why I haven't updated this site for a while since part of the change I went into recently includes changing of mailbox. =)  I'm not in the position to divulge more information so let's just leave it at that. =)

Now, back to my regular posting. During my hiatus, there are few mails that was routed successfully to my  mailbox that helps me see things in a different light. So here's some insightful thought-provoking ideas from my ever-reliable agent, AGENT M.

Letter from Jesus about Christmas

In the spirit of Christmas, I'm posting this heart-warming email that will remind us of what the season is really about. When the value of everything seems to boil down the dollar and cents, this email will remind us that our political-correctness nor our holier-than-thou attitude is being frowned upon. Instead of yapping about what is wrong on others, let start sharing to them what is right.

From: Agent MA
Sent: Monday, December 06, 2010 11:51 AM
Subject: FW: Letter from Jesus about Christmas

 
 It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season.
 
 How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children of your own.  I don't care what you call the day. If you want to celebrate My birth, just GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
 
 Now, having said that let Me go on. If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of  a couple of Santas and snowmen and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that there wouldn't be any need for  such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.
 
 Stop worrying about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree, instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees. You can  remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish: I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation  to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one, look up John 15: 1 - 8.
 
 If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth here is my wish list. Choose something from it:
 
 1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from
 home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know, they tell Me all the time.
 
 2. Visit someone in a nursing home. You don't have to know them personally They just need to know that someone cares about them.
 
 3. Instead of writing the President complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that  you'll be praying for him and his family this year. Then follow up... It will be nice hearing from you again.
 
 4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth, and  why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.
 
 5 Pick someone that has hurt you in the past and forgive him or her.
 
 6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't  know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.
 
 7. Instead of nit picking about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile  and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there  on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day they'd close and let their employees spend the day at home with their families
 
 8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary-- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My  name.
 
 9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have  any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts and give them to the Salvation Army or some other charity  which believes in Me and they will make the delivery for you.
 
 10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that  you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions that you are one of mine.
 
 Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest. Check out the  list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those  whom you love and remember
 
 I LOVE YOU,
 JESUS CHRIST

The Story behind Twelve Days of Christmas

I received this email a couple of years ago stating the real meaning of the Carol. I tried checking it on the internet and yielded a rather confusing result. First, my favorite rumor email site, snopes.com says that this is false.  But further researching it, I found a lot of articles from religious-related site explaining it further. Anyway, if you will look into the song, the first 7 gifts are technically birds (Partridge, Turtle dove, French hen, Collie Birds not calling, Gold ring necked birds, Geese, Swan) while the remaining five are servants of a monarchy (maids, lady, lord, piper, drummers). Anyway, for posterity sake here is the email. It is up to you to decide if it has indeed a religious meaning.

-----Original Message-----
From: AGENT D
Sent: Wednesday, December 15, 2004 3:01 PM
Subject: The Story behind Twelve Days of Christmas

The Story behind Twelve Days of Christmas

Below is an explanation from 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were

not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote

this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of

meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of

their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality

which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree

was Jesus Christ

The Two Turtle Doves

were the Old and New Testaments

The Three French Hens

stood for faith, hope and love

The Four Calling Birds

were the four Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John

The Five Golden Rings

recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament

The Six Geese-a-Laying

stood of the six days of creation

The Seven Swans a-Swimming

represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy SpiritProphesy, Serving, Teaching,

Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership and Mercy

The Eight Maids a-Milking

were the eight beatitudes

The Nine Ladies Dancing

were the nine fruits of the Holy SpiritLove, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness,

Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control

The Ten Lords a-Leaping

were the ten commandments

The Eleven Pipers Piping

stood for the eleven faithful disciples

The Twelve Drummers Drumming

symbolized for the twelve points of belief in the Apostles Creed

~ Author Unknown ~

Happyness

Been busy for the past few days months, not that I am complaining, its just that I am kinda overwhelmed and in the process of ironing things out. Anyway, so to my billions millions thousands okay, it is just wishful thinking. To my soon to be followers, *hint *hint, here is my once in a blue moon post. I guess with all the negative things happening around the world, we need a little something to enlighten us, especially this coming holiday season.

Oh, subject of this email is not even connected to the movie of Will Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness. Nor the connected to the book of the same title by Chris Gardner. Though I must say that the movie is very inspiring one. So if you have not watched it, I suggest you do. Otherwise, why not the book instead. =)

_____________________________________________
From: Agent M
Sent: Tuesday, June 01, 2010 9:22 AM
Subject: Happyness

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”

“The reason people find it so hard to be happy is that they always see the past better than it was, the present worse than it is, and the future less resolved than it will be”

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

“To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.”

“We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way.”

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as YOU see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”

“This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.

Just want to share a Prayer. Hope you'll keep it.

After last week's event, I don't even know what to post nor what to say. The only way I can think of is to share this prayer to everybody. 

From: Agent JS
Sent: Saturday, July 11, 2009 11:28 AM
Subject: Just want to share a Prayer. Hope you'll keep it.

Dear Lord,

I thank you for this day.

I thank you for my being able to see and to hear this morning.

I am blessed because You are a forgiving God and an understanding God.

You have done so much for me and You keep on blessing me.

Forgive me this day for everything I have done, said or thought that was not pleasing to You.

I ask now for Your forgiveness.

Please keep me safe from all danger and harm.

Help me to start this day with a new attitude and plenty of gratitude.

Let me make the best of each and everyday to clear my mind so that I can hear from You.

Please broaden my mind that I can accept all things.

Let me not whine and whimper over things I have no control over.

It's the best response when I'm pushed beyond my limits.

I know that when I can't pray, You listen to my heart.

Continue to use me to do Your will.

Continue to bless me that I may be a blessing to others.

Keep me strong that I may help the weak...

Keep me uplifted that I may have words of encouragement for others.

I pray for those who are lost and can't find their way.

I pray for those who are misjudged and misunderstood.

I pray for those who don't know You intimately.

I pray for those who don't believe.

But I thank You that I believe.

I believe that God changes people and God changes things.

I pray for all my sisters and bothers.

For each and every family member in their households.

I pray for peace, love and joy in their homes. That they are out of debt and all their needs are met.

I pray that every eye that reads this knows there is no problem, circumstance, or situation greater than God.

Every battle is in Your hands for You to fight.

I pray that these words be received into the hearts of every eye that sees it.

IN JESUS MIGHTY NAME.

Amen

Manila Hostage Crisis - Postscript to Bloodbath

As you all know by now, last Monday's event bring mixtures of emotion from sorrow, to sadness, disappointment and frustration to anger. I don't want to detail the event in respect to the family of the victims and those survivor. Besides, you can google or check wikipedea for the blow by blow accounts of the event and the stories surrounding it.

Anyway, I would like to apologize to the victims, survivors, their family and their countrymen for the "lapses-laden" operation of our police officers. I, too, is soo frustrated and sad for what had transpired.

Anyway, this posting is not about lambasting the police officer's operation. But for putting a stop to a very disturbing email circulating the net. Whoever created this article doesn't have any respect to the victims of the hostage crisis. Pretending to be a survivor just to criticize the police officer shows that the author is not really sensitive on the issues.

So to finally end this, the email seen below is a hoax. Here are the proof:

1. There is no Bang Lu Min in the survivors. As seen on clearly on the site by the Hongkong Government. Also on this site of Wikipedia.
2. Also the names mentioned are not included in the list of the survivors or victims. No Wei Ji Jiang nor Dao Chi Yu in the list of victims.
3. The article clearly wants to portray that the hostage taker was a good man and didn't harm the hostage which is contradicting the Bus Driver's report and the police reports.

Anyway,  here's the email.

---

From:  Agent MA 
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 9:34 AM
Subject: FW: Postscripts To A BloodBath

 
Mr. Mendoza was already upset even before he saw on television what the policemen did to his brother. The other tourists who remained inside the bus were complaining. Wei Ji Jiang wanted to go to the bathroom. Dao Chi Yu was hungry and the rest were just groaning and whining like they have forgotten that our lives rest in Mr. Mendoza's hands.
 
The hostage taker, as you know him was really nice. He treated us okay and even let the elders and the children leave the bus. He said your policemen treated him unfairly. He was a policeman too and was accused of doing something he had no knowledge of. But your government didn't listen so he used us to get everyone's attention.
 
Things would have never turned for the worst if he didn't see how his family was dragged out of their house and taken into custody. He was watching the news all the time as we huddled around each other behind the bus. He shouted some words in your language then started shooting in the air. A girl about my age started screaming. Mr. Mendoza demanded her to stop but she didn't understand English. God, he had to slash her neck with a knife just to put her to rest. Her boyfriend who tried to hit him was shot in the head.
 
Tension was rising. You can see in his face how scared and confused he was. The bus driver ran away leaving him alone with strangers from a distant land. I can see him walking across the aisle, sometimes pointing his machine gun to one of the tourists. But he tried his best not to hurt us, especially those who really cooperate.
 
I guess its in your nature not to inflict pain on others unless it was necessary. I remember him saying that he will free us before sundown and implored us to forget everything when we return home. But his words don't matter now. The policemen were trying to force their way in, while we all lied down to shield ourselves from bullets. Mister Mendoza blindly shoots at his enemies which I think kept them from rescuing us. I hear sobs under the chairs. Some were even shouting the names of their loved ones even when the air merely eat their words. Kevin Tang tried to escape when the glass door was was shattered, but one shot and he slumped on the floor with blood gushing from his mouth.
 
Heavy rain pitter-pattered on the rooftop. In old Chinese saying, it means an end to a struggle. Finally, somebody was able to open the escape hatch at the back of the bus. Freedom. But I knew Mister Mendoza was still alive. I knew he was just waiting for a chance to strike back at his enemies. So I told those around me not to escape. Let the authorities come for us instead. Then there was gunfire. He was firing at his enemies with a machine gun. Those who were at the escape hatch fled abandoning us once again. It's like a nightmare with no end and to wake up means a certain death. Then somebody from outside the bus threw a canister. It forced out a black smoke that is so painful to the eyes and putrid smelling to the nose. People started screaming. We cannot breathe. Some ran in front of the bus but Mister Mendoza warned them of stray bullets. It was too late. One was hit on the head, the other was hit on the shoulders. Bullets were now flying. Its like the authorities thought we were all dead. Mister Mendoza finally admits his mistake and said sorry to everyone, dead or alive. He then ran towards the front of the bus where he would meet his maker. As he passed by my chair with bullets whistling overhead, I clutched my hand on the velvet curtain and wrapped it around my face. All I could think of was to stay alive - for my child who is waiting for me back in Xinjang. I know I will survive, I will come home.
 
Bang Lu Min, Survivor, Quirino Bloodbath
 
 

a Not so Funny Email.

I always receive a lot of hoax emails from urban legends to pay-per-forward scam emails. Most of the times, I reply to the sender to inform them that it is nothing but a hoax email. I sometimes even research to verify and validate the claims on the email. But there are times that no validation is needed, just look for "red flags" in the email and surely you can say that is hoax email. Below is the sample email coming from Agent M.

From: Agent M
Sent: Friday, July 20, 2007 10:27 AM
To: Agent Gadget; Agent WANG WANG; Agent Ding Dong; Agent Vavoom; Agent Papa; Agent Jatujak; M.O.RON

Subject: FW: Funny 

This is the coolest thing I have ever gotten. All you have to do is send it to 7 people and watch your screen, it is the funniest clip. I can't tell you what it is but I was laughing so hard I almost fell off my chair!!! So, send it to those 7 people and watch.

MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!

MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMIL ES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER!

FRIENDS FOREVER!

Forward this to at least 7 people and see what happens on your screen . you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!!!

If you forward it to 7 people a video comes on your screen.   

Obviously, Agent M falls into this trap. The email was sent to 7 other recipient including me. And after responding back to Agent M regarding this hoax email, it was confirmed that nothing happened. So how do you check if the email is a hoax. Here are some "Red Flags" that you should look into emails to verify it is a hoax. Please note that this list is just partial listing.

Top 10 Red Flags to Determine Hoax Email

1. Asking you to forward the email to x number of people. = When you see this, its automatically a hoax email, the chain letter type. (e.g. "Forward this to 7 people!!!!")


2. If the email states that something will happen when you forward the email. = Related to Item #1, regardless on how advance the email technology is, forwarding email will not magically give you the best video you will ever see nor will it create a magically awesome scene on your computer. In addition, there are no credible organization to use pay-per-forward scheme since it is tantamount to spamming. So Microsoft, Google or yahoo will never compensate you on every email you forwarded. It will also not help any sick kid in some remote location. (e.g. "if you forward this email, Microsoft will give USD 0.70 to some kid with a very rare disease.")


3. If the email contains Superlatives words. = Super, Most, Best, "Mostest", "Bestest" any thing superlative. (e.g. "The best video that I ever seen in my entire life!!!" "The Coolest Thing I ever gotten!!!")


4. Testimonial coming from someone "close". = anybody from brother to housemates to someone else ex-girlfriend. (e.g. "This is true, I also heard this from my batch mate's ex-house-mate's cousin's ex-girlfriend's father!") 


5. Citing from an anonymous person from a known, valid, credible company or organization. = It seems that mentioning a valid and credible organization sort of makes some anonymous credible also. (e.g. "According to the scientist from NASA, This is true." "I heard this from the guy in BBC.")


6. Citing from a research without stating the source of information. = if there are no citation of any journal or research document or even a site that will validate the research, then you can treat it as hoax. (e.g. "This is based on the research done by the scientists in WHO.")


7. If the last part or majority of the email is written in all caps, colored (multi-colored) and bold font with lots of punctuation marks particularly the exclamation point (!). = A valid email specially those containing critical information will be written properly. (e.g. "SEND THIS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!" "OMG, THIS IS TRUE!!!!!!!" "YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS !!!")


8. Outrageous Claims without citing source = Email that tells you a "SUPER POWERFUL VIRUS" that will burn your PC or a flesh eating disease from a banana. If you received such claims, check online news sites or website that was mentioned on the email. If there is such a disease or a virus, it will definitely be on the news. 


9. Blackmail = if the email contains some sort of blackmail or hostage on your part, then it is hoax. (e.g. "If you don't do this, something BAD will happen to your ex-lover's hamster.")


10. Self-affirmation followed by testimonials (see item #4) & anonymous sources (see items #5&6)= Most of the times, hoax emails contains self-affirmation to make you believe it is true. (e.g. "THIS IS TRUE!!!! My Brother's gradeschool classmate's sister-in-law heard this from a guy in CNN.")

If you received an email that contains any one or combination of items above, I can assure you that it is a hoax email. If you still have doubts, you can forward the email to me or check out my favorite hoax-buster, www.snopes.com.

Pinoy Quotable Quotes

From: Agent PH
Sent: Saturday, July 14, 2007 3:25 PM
Subject: Pinoy Quotable Quotes

"Guys, let's call it tonight!"  [effective lang yan hangang 11:59pm, kasi pag lumagpas, tomorrow na yun.]

"All of a suddenly..." 

"C'mon! Let's get it on with it!" 

"When it rains, it's force." [Rain is a force of nature therefore When it rains, it is force.. Tama pala!]
"Thanks God!"
"The nerves!" or "The nerd!" [Pag nahighblood ka, puputok ang ugat mo, kaya the nerves...]
"The idea crossed at the back of my mind." [di pwede sa front, sa back lang pwedeng mag cross.]
"(name of person), eat your hat out!" [paano na ang walang hat? pwede cap?]
"This is our rooster of clients..." [manukan pala eto.]
"The more the manyer."
"It's a no-win-win situation." [masama ata pakingan kung Lose-lose situation...]
"Burn the bridge when you get there." [of course, how can you burn if you're not there.]
"Anulled and void." [sa marriage eto galing]
"Mute and academic." [nakaka mute pala ang academic.]
"C'mon let's join us!" [alukin ang sarili!]
"If worse comes to shove." [malala pala ang magpala...]
"Are you joking my leg?" [no, im joking your other leg.]
"It's not my problem anymore, it's your problem anymore." [problema pala eto ni anymore...]
"What are friends are for?"[yeah, what are friends, what are for? therefore what are friends are for?]
"You can never can tell." [can can!]
"Well well well. Look do we have here!" [yes we have!]
"Let's give them a big hand of applause." [mga higante lang ang pwede pumalakpak]
"Been there, been that."
"Forget it about it."
"Give him the benefit of the daw." [ano daw?]
"It's a blessing in the sky." [yes, because blessing comes from the sky! ]
"Right there and right then."
"Where'd you came from?"
"Take things first at a time."
"You're barking at the wrong dog." [because im a cat!]
"You want to have your cake and bake it too." [parang bring your own baon yan, bake your own cake! ]
"First and for all"
"Now and there."
"I'm only human nature."
"The sky's the langit." [tama naman diba.]
"That's what I'm talking about it."
"One of these days is not like the other."
"So far, so good, so far." [so good, so far, so good.]
"Time is of the elements."
"In the wink of an eye."
"The feeling is actual."
"For all intense and purposes." [masyadong instense...]
"I ran into some errands." [ingat baka mabungo mo si errands.]
"Hi. I'm (state your name), what's yours?"
"What is the world is coming to?"
"What is the next that is?"
"Get the most of both worlds."
"Bahala na sila sa mga batman nila."
"Whatever you say so."
"Base-to-base casis."
"My answers have been prayered."
"Please me alone!"
"It's as brand as new."
"So... what's a beautiful girl like you?...."
"I can't take it anymore of this!"
"Are you sure ka na ba?" [sure na!]
"Can't you just cut me some slacks?" [gawin ba akong mananahe!]
"I couldn't care a damn!"
"what's your next class before this?" [nalito ako dun!]
"nothing in this world is perfect except the word change." [perfect!]
"Can you repeat that for the second time around once more from the top?"
"my dad brought home a lot of hand-me-downs!"
"standard & chartered bank"
"I'm very iterated!"
"I'm sorry, my boss just passed away." [sasabayan pa ng pagiging late...]
"Hello, my boss is out of town, would you like to wait?"  [sana naman at hindi abutin ng isang linggo eto.]
"What happened after the erection of Mayon Volcano?" [ah, it exploded?!?!]
"Don't touch me not!"
"Hello... for a while, please hang yourself..." [wag sana ganito ang tatangap sa need help-call a friend number... baka puro suicide ang mangyari]
"It's spilled milk under the bridge."
"Don't change anything! keep it at ease."
"Hello Mcdo, mag-iinquire lang ako kung magkano ang kidney meal?" [kasama na pala ang kidney sa mcdo. next nyan may bopis at dinuguan nayan.]
"Out of fit ako these days e..."
"Bring down the house down!" [baka sumobrang down, maging basement na!]

Greatest Excuse Letter

From: AGENT MJ
Date: Fri, Oct 13, 2006 at 10:42 AM
Subject: Quatable Excuse Letters


These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country.


1. My son is under a doctors care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
[Sige, bitayin na yan! Ang Lupit ng hatol nito. Ano kaya sakit nya at kailangan na syang i-execute?]
2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
[Oh my! Bawal magkasakit! Ang magkasakit, babarilin! nakupu!] 

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,31,32, and also 33.
[Ayus! parang lotto ang Kalendaryo nya!]

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
[Ah, baka si President Gloria eto. She's done administrating, sa congress na sya..]

5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
[Please help us find the Lost Hip of Roland. Nawawala sya after nyang mahulog eh. Dyaskeng, hip yan. San ba nag punta at absent tuloy si Roland sa PE.]

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
[Isang Misteryo kung paano nagkaroon ng ipin sa mukha ni John. Kinagat siguro sya ni lola at naiwan ang pustiso. =)]

7. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
[hay naku, sobra naman si BFF Veins, inistorbo si Megan, di tuloy nakapasok. Sana kami din ng Veins ko, Close.]

8. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
[ahhhh, ehhh, Naku naman, yung consonant ba loose din?]

9. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
[Naku, Nagpa-bawas ba ng bust si Irving? namiss nya agad.]

10. Sally wont be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
[Let's offer a moment silence for Sally for her Funeral.....Naku last chance mo na at one week lang ang funeral ni Sally at babalik na sya school. Zombie na sya?]

11. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
[Stud pala si Jason. Anong Breed? Chihuahua, German Shepherd o baka naman ASPIN yan!]

12. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
[Grabe na eto! Ang mga kabataan talaga! Gangover na!]

13. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasnt the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
[Hala, excuse letter ba eto ng family nya? baka dapat i-quarantine ang pamilyang yan.]

14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 
[Ayus! pwede bang i iwan na lang yang Sunday newspaper from Monday to Friday?!?! Magamit nga etong excuse na eto..]

3 Minute Management Lessons about Credit, Turkey, your Job & your Boss

From: AGENT M
Sent: Monday, January 29, 2007 11:32 AM
Subject: 3 Minute Management Lessons about Credit, Turkey, your Job & your Boss

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4:
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull,
"they're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

The Pope's Chauffeur

This day is for all those who work hard every minute of their lives.

From: AGENT D
Sent: Sunday, October 11, 2009 5:35 PM
Subject: The Pope's Chauffeur

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and now that I'm Pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
 

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: " The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is stumped, " You been drinking, John? "

Cop: " No Sir."

Chief : " Then what makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

A little Light relief

From: Agent D

Sent: Saturday, February 27, 2010 11:44 AM
Subject: A little light relief

An American tourist asks an Irish fisherman:


"Why do Scuba Divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?"


To which the Irishman replies:


"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fookin' boat."

Remember to Vote Wisely

From: Agent Rouge
Sent: Tuesday, March 02, 2010 9:36 AM
Subject: FW: Remember to Vote Wisely (Maybe it help us to decide)

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Philippine Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.       In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Filipino people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and       the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it,       it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.       Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to       hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in       rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning ...Today, you voted." "REMEMBER TO VOTE WISELY!"

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

From: Agent M 
Sent: Thursday, March 18, 2010 4:07 PM
Subject: Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

WIFE:

I wrote your name on sand it got washed.

I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.

Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:

God saw me hungry, he created pizza.

He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.

He saw me in dark, he created light.

He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:

Twinkle twinkle little star

You should know what you are

And once you know what you are

Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:

The rain makes all things beautiful.

The grass and flowers too.

If rain makes all things beautiful

Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:

Roses are red; Violets are blue

Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Don't feel so angry you will find me there too 

Not in cage but laughing at you.

Senior Citizen Entertainment

You know why old watches are banned in Senior Center? Read the email below.




From: AGENT D
Sent: Tuesday, March 09, 2010 12:44 PM
Subject: senior citizens entertainment


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred
pieces.

'Shit!' exclaimed the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

Cruise Ship

From: AGENT D
Sent: Friday, June 19, 2009 12:36 PM
Subject: Cruise Ship

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show. "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... two days... and then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said... "Okay, I give up. Where's the friggin' ship?"